so i got it working...
only way was to go by ip address.
my second ip address is not assigned to a site so i can go to that and it just goes the main website dir
/var/www
i copied phpmyadmin to /var/www/phpmyadmin
then it worked...
making a symlink even would not work, i had to copy the whole dir
also i needed to
chown -R www-data:www-data /var/www/phpmyadmin
so now i go to
12.34.56.78/phpmyadmin
and it works, and i guess that anyone on the server who wants to use phpmyadmin will have to go there as well
EDIT:
then to make this pretty much transparent to current users,
i added a line to their virtual host file
Redirect /phpmyadmin
http://12.34.56.78/phpmyadmin
i only added this to accounts who actually use phpmyadmin, this seems like an added security benefit so that people wont just get to the phpmyadmin login page and start guessing away for most of the sites on my server.