1) No compiling
2) Minimal PPA usage
3) FastCGI discourse must occur over TCP (the web server shall not expect to launch the application, nor shall it expect it to be on the same machine)
1) This can be solved by using a good PPA (for Ubuntu) or Dotdeb (for Debian). The latter is very reliable, whereas it's more difficult to find good PHP PPAs for Ubuntu. There are several of them, but as far as I can tell, none are updated properly.
2) You can't really avoid this if you want to stick to Ubuntu 10.04. More recent versions of Ubuntu have official php5-fpm packages.
3) IIRC, mod_fastcgi can do this, but mod_fcgid can't.
Another way to run PHP without all the FastCGI baggage is to run two instances of Apache, one with worker, and the other with mod_php. Make the first instance listen to the public port, and proxy all PHP requests to the second instance. This is more or less the same as setting up nginx in front of Apache, except you now have two Apaches eating up more of your precious RAM.